D. C. — The turkey set to be pardoned by President Trump on Thanksgiving accepted bribes from seventeen officials of the Uzbekistani government over the course of four years, according to email correspondence obtained by In Media Press.
Corporate financial records obtained by the Press revealed Peas, the venal turkey in question, to be by-proxy on the board of directors of UzbekiTurkeyCoup, Inc., a little-known shell company of a benefactor that is presumed to be the Uzbekistani government. Peas the turkey received over $450,000,000 in the four years between the company’s inception and Thanksgiving Day, 2018.
“Look, the allegations that Peas, a simple turkey, oversaw a shadow corporation and accepted bribes from foreign government officials for nearly half a decade are shameless, absurd lies,” said a spokesperson for Peas and UzbekiTurkeyCoup, Inc.
“First of all, even if Peas had done it — which he didn’t — it wouldn’t be as big of a deal as everyone is making it out to be,” the spokesperson said. “But more importantly, it would be physically impossible for Peas to have been involved in such activity across the span of four years. Because as everyone knows, turkeys have a lifespan of three years.”
CNN’s Jim Acosta prodded the spokesperson over the fact that male turkeys have an average lifespan of six to ten years.
“You’re not supposed to be here,” said the spokesperson.
Details of Peas the turkey’s lucrative relationship with seventeen Uzbekistani officials are abound in email correspondence obtained by the Press. Some messages even hinted that Peas may have been operating on behalf of US Trump campaign officials.
Gobble gobble gobble. Gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble. Peck.
Gobble gobble gobble. Gobble-gobble. Gobble.
Subject: RE: First quarter bid for meeting w/ prez
Many thanks for invitation to visit prez at fancy Florida bog. We offer $400 for meeting with prez. Also, complete unrelate, we hear that American soybean may shift toward cottonseed. We love cottonseed. If American cottonseed failed, UzbekiTurkeyCoup, Inc.’s shares would sell like burning pancakes. Some projections place early earnings at 70k per share. 😉 Gobble. ?
Former advisor to the Trump campaign Roger Stone provided his thoughts on the incriminating emails in a tweet
More messages revealed that Peas is preparing to face subpoenas from the special council investigating Russian interference in 2016 American elections. Email correspondence between Peas and Uzbekistan ended approximately six hours before American midterm elections results began to pour in on Nov. 6, 2018.
The last message intercepted by the Press before UzbekiTurkeyCoup, Inc., and its affiliates went dark punctuated the anxiety Peas and his foreign cohorts developed over the potentiality of having their deals dragged through a public quorum.
Subject: WTF??!??!?!?11!?!? RE: Uhhhhhhh
If it’s what you say it is, I hate it.
“There was no collusion, no bribes, not ever. Everybody knows that nobody made bribes in this administration,” said the president when asked about the accusations against Peas minutes before the presidential pardoning ceremony was set to commence.
“No bribes. No illegal. Especially for peas. I hate — have you ever had peas? No flavor. They have less flavor than Crooked Hillary Clinton. Peas have no flavor, particularly compared with turkey. Every Thanksgiving, people tell me, ‘You should have some peas,’ and I say no, so they say, ‘Well at least try the turkey,’ but I don’t like — you know what is better than Turkey? Saudi Arabia.”
The president continued to say words that occassionaly formed coherent thoughts, but he failed to provide anything of substance.